stupid site.
i always come to this stupid site bc im sad. i always paint when im sad. i mean i love art without a doubt…but when do i paint? when im sad. i guess i do these thing to lift me up.. i know im not depressed. somethings after a fight with people…i dont cry anymore. but i feel like im barely making it through the day…like im pushing it. its hard. i dont find my days easy. maybe i am. crap. ugh. maybe i need to make a jump. again? yea…maybe.
blHBLABLAHBLAHBLAHBALBHA ok
postive time.
work tomorrow. apt is ok. music is good now. i had a chance to go over jeslies house. its nice i have someone who lives this close. shes into art so i could talk to her about it. im going to be ok. idk.. just not in the mood for this right now.
bored?
sometimes i wish i lived at home. being alone just stinks. idk why. sleeping aloen is not bad. coming home is not bad. it just hanging out and the waiting…i guess ill go sleep bc i have nothing else to do. idk throwing some thoughts down. going to look up some flights.
competition.
so it starts off with a car ride with my dad (without qouting) how he be lost without her because he basicially doesnt have anyone else. which of course is nice to say, but his words made me feel that i was not important enough or basically i dont do enough.. not sure how to word it correctly… so i was able to push that aside and move on with my dad…but then my sister was asked by d why i wasnt at my grandmas the day before helping 7 hrs like she did. she followed the response with that i was “on call”. i can qoute that. anyways…thats when i couldn’t push it aside. it was time for me to say something. so i asked her…how could you say im on call support when im at a party right now..how about.. i didnt even know you were cleaning. or that i was doing something else? is that i was excused from this time around because of work? no absoutely not. how about taking responsiblitiy saying that i didnt even tell you allison about it and i wanted to help.
ughhhhhhhh
so pushing that aside…. i left my latpop in my dads car and he was nice enough to meet me half way. wonderful great. but of course he had to drop the line that i have no brains and my sister is the more responsible one and blablahbalbah…i love how a simple mistake in my life is so much work and so much effort. it becomes more tiring to hear what i do wrong than what i actually did.
i gave up a while ago of trying to please my parents. i know im not perfect. i forget all material things all the time. i am never on time. i eat desert for breakfast. i don’t exercise in which at times i barely can breathe if i walk from the parking lot to my desk. i laugh when im suppose to be serious. i cry about stupid things. i can be too direct at times. i disappointed my parents in which they were embarrased of me . i am not super clean. i lose things all the time. cant find my stupid check book at the moment. i spill things on my clothes. if i dont paint with just a t shirt then im probably painting with my best clothes = bad idea. i act on impluse at times but then again its what makes us life no? i procrastinate JUST like im doing right now. im making a list of the stupid things i do in life in which I SHOULD be writing my objectivse at pepsi. so priorities straight? not sure.
anyways what i leave with today. there is no competition with my sister. if she wants to be a responsible person. good for her. i wish her the best and nothing else. i hope she has enough love and lives a comfortable life and finds happiness in it all. as for my parents…if want to keep thinking stacy is teh better daughter and they find that the most important thing in life is being responsible well they have the perfect daughter…something i won’t be.
allison.
im me again. i feel the emptiness finally faded again. i feel the fullness inside however this time around no one brought it to me. maybe its because the meds , maybe i see things different. maybe i finally ACCEPTED the way things are - who knows. or maybe its 2010 and its going to be a fantastic year… HA. it better b from the year i had. 2009 = HELL. that was the worst year i ever possible could IMAGINE. 2010 = please dont b so bad. 1st week was good though. no awesome. i feel so good right now. it feels so nice.
i love my new pet fish. matisse, theodore & dorothy. <33
letter that i never sent.
so i feel like i need to let this all out even if it back fires.
i think about you all the time. all day long. even at work when im super busy…when i go shoppiing i think of u…and when im home. my medication makes me have nightmares which sometimes you are in..and i wake up in tears. its easy to say that its just a dream and that everything is ok…but its not. because its hard enough knowing that things arent so great. im willing to put everything aside and move on with us. i feel this tremendous loss and i hate it. it bothers me a lot. i constantly reaach out to people asking how to do things differently. how to get closer to u. i know i should just accept the way things are because u dont feel comfortable but i live in denial and i cant accept things teh way they are. i belive things can b good. and i will keep believing bc i have hope that one day…i will feel like what its like to have a sister/friend again. i thought my last try would b with u is when i came to job…but thats not my last try. i will keep trying because ur living and ur my sister.
all i ask for u is not to judge me. i dont judge you. i look at you as just my sister. wheather you wear odd things or have a perfect apartment. it doesnt matter to me your my sister no matter what shape of form ur in. i will always b there for u. if you called me right now i would come see u. i sometimes imagine of you having a little family with some new people and i get so excited and i wouldnt want it to b ever wierd that i was part of it. i want to b part of it …because it makes me so happy as much as it would make u happy and its not even about me…
please dont give up on me. please open ur heart up to me and just love me for me and not make me feel that im anything less. i have a lot of good but it doesnt mean much at the end of the day when u dont have anyone to tell it too.
blessings should be counted.
ok im need to be postive.
1. i have a job that feels nice and takes the pain away for 8hrs.
2. i am proud of my job.
3. my room is blissful
4. my paintings bring me happiness.
5. i found a passion in life.
6. i understand spanish
7 i have a balcony.
8 i knwo how to give love to a person
9 i enjoy making someone smile and will go out of the way to do it.
10. i love unconditionally.
11. i have a tv.
12. i know how to make a few meals - good ?- well im being positive so i wont answer that.
13. i can make cupcakes and i like to eat them
14. even though i am sad…i am doing ok.
15. i live 10 mins away from work
16. my co workers make me so smile and laugh a lot through the day.
17. i am healthy
18 i havent gotten sick where i couldn’t take care of myself
19 i made it on my own.
20 i was able to make it to the neue galerie and i loved it.
21 i live close enough to city to see a lot of art work.
22. i found an art piece of when i was 3 . i framed it.
23. it rained today . i love when it rains.
24. i am able to go back to school.
25. i enjoy school and dont hate it. i dont have to ask my parents to pay for it.
26. i have a car and do not have to walk. i able to see anyone at anytmie. i am extremely grateful.
27. holly is cute.
28 my grandma is alive and i am able to send her cards to tell her how much i love her.
29 i put xmas lights out.
30. my co worker bought me candy this week. people at work give me candy.
